Total Knock Out

Recently, God blessed Troy and I with the opportunity to relax in the Bahamas but what's even better about this trip is the majority of the expenses were covered because I was also shooting a wedding! Anyway, as I took my seat on the plane the classic signs of anxiety for me kicked into high gear. Tingling, upset stomach and shortness of breath. I started to freak! The thought of having to use that crazy small bathroom on the plane with an upset stomach gave me more anxiety! Then of course the darn seat belt light is on...so I'M stuck. Being on a plane with anxiety is awful. I have an idea...they should make enclosed patios on the side of an air plane so people with anxiety can GET OUT and breathe. (I know that's not possible but it would be nice :)

I find it so interesting that whenever you're trying to relax, escape and enjoy, the Enemy tries to steal it from you. He comes "to kill, STEAL and destroy". So I prepared for battle and started claiming victory over this attack. I had Troy pray for me and reached out to a prayer partner during a layover. Then I did some breathing exercises and thanked God that I had been redeemed from anxiety and told myself this battle is already won. Finally, I turned on my praise and worship music, and began praying and speaking God's word over my attack. My bible verse for the day said "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)  Well, I didn't barf on my plane seat neighbor and I didn't need to breathe in a brown paper bag, thank God. However, this was not over. Little did I know the battle had just begun. Round one goes to God.

Round two began when we reached the resort.  It picked up again and spiraled out of control. We got in on a Wednesday afternoon and I was not able to leave my room and enjoy myself until Thursday afternoon. When I say "enjoy myself" it means one hour or so where the anxiety lessened and then it would rear its ugly head again. I have to admit, I let the enemy in and it whispered fearful thoughts to me this time around.  I was in a foreign place and scared, so it just amounted to so much more then it really was.  The enemy is great at complicating situations and spilling fear into them. He bends the truth just enough to create more and more fear. Also, I think it's important to note that over the past few weeks I had been feeling signs of anxiety. As I took some time to reflect on why it was happening to me again, I realized that I had gotten off track.  The word says we are to put God first and make him our first priority. Somewhere in the hectic time of transitioning into my new "stay-at-home life" to be better mommy and leaving my old life of sales manager, I missed the mark.  I started planning for my new life and filling it with STUFF again. Stuff that would keep me away from God and my family. How could I be so dumb? God gave me this opportunity and I was planning to waste it on works of the flesh again, instead of being lead by him. I quickly repented from that and asked God to forgive me.  I also repented because for that last 24 hours, I was listening to the Devil's lies and it was creating unbelief and doubt, which was hendering my recovery from this attack.

With a clear mind now, I was able to rest in the promises of our lord.  God wants a relationship with us.  He wants time with us and he wants us to communicate with him.  You have to understand how much God loves you! He wants to fight your battles, he wants you to divide and conquer over the enemy! He is with you, and he adores you, he wants to prosper you and restore whatever is bringing you down. No matter how big or small, bring it all to him and lay it at the cross.

So the constant prayer and praise began. What does praying, speaking God's word and praise do for you in a trial? Well, prayer brings it to his attention. Even though he is an "ALL knowing" God, it's about communication. Imagine your upset with a friend, husband, or family member, if you don't communicate with that person then you can't get the issue resolved. It's the same with God, he wants your requests/prayers to be made known. Prayer also helps you change your mind. You see, if I kept thinking my initial thoughts of "oh crap, here comes a panic attack. I'm going to be hopstialized in a foreign place. It's never going to go away. I will be stuck here. It's going to get worse. I will never be free from this!" Then I very well could've been defeated. BUT, I know God doesn't want that for me...so my prayers changed my thoughts, because God's truths are opposite of those thoughts. God's thoughts are "I'm more than a conqueror, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, be anxious for nothing, God will fight my battles". Then slowly my tingling, shortness of breath began to slow up. Praise God! During the attack, my praise and worship music was pumping in my ears on and off. I knew I would get through it with my Lord and I wanted to fill my soul with praise to release my faith into the heavens! Worship and praise is a great way to show thanksgiving. It's important to "praise God in all circumstances".

 I took it step-by-step on Thursday afternoon.  I asked for one thing at a time.  First, to be able to eat and keep down lunch. Second, to enjoy some time at the pool. Third, to be able to work out. Fourth, to go to dinner with Troy and lastly, some sound sleep and rest.  All of those things happened but not without a fight and constant prayer to God. Nevertheless, they still happened.  Round two goes to God!

Round three began with friday, the wedding day!  I knew God brought us here for a reason.  His plan and will is perfect.  His timing is always perfect. Even though I was struggling through my time in the Bahamas, I knew there was a great purpose behind it. The morning began rough, but through God's amazing grace, I was able to focus and photograph the wedding!

You can tell God was with me on this shoot! 

We left early the next day by choice and the anxiety set in again. We had two layovers to get through. I managed to get sick and be very anxious in the first flight. During the first layover, I reached out to some friends and found out something remarkable! The anxiety event that was at my home church (during my time in the Bahamas) and was featuring my testimony video was a HUGE success. They had to bring in more chairs for the overflow and many, many women's lives were changed and saved! It's no wonder the Enemy was trying so hard to bring me down. I was told he was fighting the good fight with other key women that were involved in that event as well. I wanted to dance in the airport! I became so overwhelmed with God's glory and power. Then I remembered again the daily verse that came up on my phone ."I have fought the fight, finished the race, I have kept the faith". I knew this battle was almost over.
Video From Church On Anxiety (Watch the video by clicking on the link)

We got home and I struggled with morning anxiety again.  It lingered for hours and hours.  I was weak and tired from battling it.  I knew deep down there was a "bigger" reason why I was going through this again. We went to church and the worship band played a song called "Always". I had never heard it before, it brought me to tears of praise.  Later, I checked my phone and my best friend had texted me at the same moment that I was worshipping to that song this "Just heard the most amazing song for you, Kristain Stanfill, "Always"." WOW!!! God is ALWAYS with us.  I wish I could say that I was done fighting anxiety at this point, but I wasn't.  Monday rolled around and I woke with anixiety and it stayed around.  I was at a very weak moment and I reached out to a prayer partner who prayed heavily for me.  She felt strongly that it was time to surrender this fight to Jesus.  In Psalms 18:17 it says "He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes who were too strong for me." This battle was bigger than me and it was time for me to rest in Jesus.  We prayed together a VERY strong prayer of surrender and I had peace. The peace that almost melts you away to sleep.  But, the Enemy came and robbed it.  He threw darts at me and I was having a hard time shielding them off.  Called her again and we agreed to disagree with every fiery dart he was throwing. The days became better and I was finally able to get back to my life. But during this, I realized the battle between good and evil is REAL.  We MUST protect our minds. You can do this by wearing the sheild of faith and knowing the good news! God always wins, round three goes to God... total knock out!

I’m Taking a Leap of Faith

I just recently told my employer of eight years that I’m going to resign to be a caretaker and supporter to my incredible husband and beautiful boys.  It was July 11^th , 9:30 am to be exact, as I was driving in to the office to let my bosses know my decision.  During the drive in, many thoughts and feelings were rushing through my head and body.  I was anxious, nervous, sick to my stomach, and scared.  

I had a flashback to about a year ago when I heard from the Lord.  I was having a panic attack that day about the demands of life in general; being a working mom, trying to care for my children and trying to balance it all.  I wept on my bed and prayed to God “What do I do?  Why is this happening to me?  How do I do this all?  Then I heard Him say, “Give up control”.   When I heard Him say that to me, I did not know what it meant then, but it has stuck with me ever since.  Over the past few months, I have felt more and more that God is pulling me out of my career as a medical sales rep and manager into something new.  The something new is very unclear, although I know that it’s primarily to be a caretaker and supporter for my family.   I do believe, however, that He has something MORE planned for me.

I began my career as a selfish woman who was apathetic toward God.  I did everything in my own strength and nothing in His.  My job was more important than my family and God.  I became stressed out, anxious and it continued like that for many years.  God allowed me to break, and I suffered a severe nervous breakdown in February of 2011.  God used that trial in me to build character and mold me into a more Christ-like person of which I’m forever grateful for.  

I learned many things in that trial with one of the most important things being; the Bible is a road map for success.  Not only that, it’s our protection and weapons against evil.  You have heard it said, “Knowledge is power”.  In Hosea 4:6 it says, “My people perish for lack of knowledge”.  The biggest thing I “lacked knowledge” in was not putting God first in my life.  That is His greatest commandment; Jesus tells us that in Matthew 22:37, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”  This means your family is not first, your job is not first, your money is not first, YOUR life is not first…JESUS is first.  Once I finally “knew” that, (really understood it), I decided to make Jesus first in my life, became born again and had the awesome experience of being water baptized. From that day forward, my sins were wiped clean and my heart was new. 

So with a new heart and a new direction, I started feeling the tugs on my heart to move on from the old life, which meant giving up my career.  I knew it was what God was asking me to do and I had a deep peace about it.  However, on the surface, I was a mess.  I thought “How am I going to be a full time stay-at-home mom?  I’m going to go crazy!  How are we going to pay all our bills?  Why would God have me waste all my hard earned education on being a stay-at-home mom?” It went on and on and on!  The thoughts never let up.  Those thoughts were in FULL FORCE on the drive in to tell my bosses that I need to resign.  I wanted to chicken out, turn my van around and forget the whole thing.  Then I said a prayer. “God please help me!  I don’t want to do this!  Can you please give me another sign that this is what you are calling me to do?”  Just then, a song I have never heard before came on JOY FM , by Francesca Battistelli. The words to this song sent me into instant peace and joy.  They went like this:

“My heart beats standing on the edge
My feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat, there is no turning back

I’m letting go of life I planned for me and my dreams
I’m losing control of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So, I’m letting go.

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown, beyond my comfort zone”.

I heard the music differently than ever before.  It came over my speaker system amplified, almost as if God was magnifying it for me to hear it, receive it and know it was from Him.  It was all true!  I was letting go of the plan I have for me and my dreams.  So, with my heart beating out of my chest, I did it.  I jumped off the ledge, took the giant leap of faith, and told my bosses I needed to resign. 

So what did the Lord mean that day He told me, “Give up control”?  Today I know exactly what it means.   Jesus explains it in Matthew 16:24-27. We are to lay down our own lives, our own desires, and live according to His will.  We are to be led by the Holy Spirit, and wake up each and every day surrendered to Him.  I finally did that on July 11, 2012, and it officially marks the new journey of complete and total surrender. 

Derailed

How often do we derail ourselves? Really think about that? How often do we operate in our own selfish ambitions? What does that mean? Let me try to explain.

It's funny, I have two boys and they LOVE their Geo-Trax, Thomas the tank engine trains and tracks.  But when they get derailed and those silly trains come off the track they get SO frustrated and angry.  I mean you would think the world is ending...and that's just silly toys. 

What if you could bypass getting derailed? Have you ever thought that maybe that is why we get so anxious and frustrated when things don't go our way? In all things I do, I have learned that consulting God first has made my likelyhood of not getting derailed much better. Don't get me wrong...I still crash and burn...but I have learned to put aside my own selfish ambitions and ask God "Is this your will for me"? Living that way creates so much peace and WAY less stress.  When you let God drive your train, sail your ship, run your race...you can't lose!

In proverbs 20:24 it speaks of God directing our steps and that sometimes it does not make sense.  Way before a train sets off for a trip, the tracks have already been laid. That's how God operates.  He has already laid the tracks for your life.  He knows every detail of what's coming next.  When you can rest in that fact...you have no reason to worry.

What was the last decision you made? Did it create confusion, anxiety, worry and frustration?  Try asking God next time..."Is this your will for me"?

The road ahead

A very cool thing happened to me on Saturday May 12th during my jog.  Normally a jog is really good for clearing my head and freeing myself of the normal stresses I face every day.  However, this time my mind was very fixated on things going on in my life. I was "bad" day dreaming about things...my thoughts were NOT good. They were stressful thoughts. I was about a mile into my jog when I started to see flutters in the road way ahead of me. Almost like random wings flapping in the top right, middle and top left of my viewing angle.
 

(I stopped to take a photo while I was running because I knew I wanted to write about this. I photoshopped the "wings" into the road ahead to try and explain what I saw.)

I know that sounds creepy (and it kind of was) but the only thing I could think of was I was starting to see auras...those  happen before a migraine.  I thought "oh great...here comes a migraine".  Then I really thought about it again and it did not feel like a migraine was coming on. Normally when I get a migraine I see black fuzzy dots, so I started to feel like I needed to look just ahead of me at the white painted line on the side of the road instead of WAY ahead of me like the above photo.  

I couldn't see the wings flapping in my view anymore??? HUH??? What the heck was that?? I looked WAY ahead again...there they were!!! Looked down at the road just ahead of me at the white line and they were gone!!! I thought "could that be Jesus telling me something"? So just at that moment I said out loud "Jesus you lead, I will follow.  With every step I take I will follow you and only you. I promise NOT to look ahead and worry about things.  I will just follow you"!! After saying that out loud a HUGE eagle soared directly over me about 10 feet above and chills swept over my entire body!!!!!!!  As I watched that beautiful eagle fly away...I knew I had just been taught an important lesson. 

Looking ahead and stressing about life causes confusion and chaos.  Much like those wild flapping wings I saw in my vision while running.  But, keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus and following RIGHT behind him keeps my path straight and safe. That will keep me soaring to great heights like the eagle that passed above me.

I'm going to keep this prayer photo some where in my house to be my constant reminder of how God taught me this important lesson.

It's been a long time coming

Have you ever deep down inside known that GOD was telling you to do something?? We often refer to those as "gut feelings" We as humans do a fantastic job of not listening to our "gut feelings" It's often because we are afraid, prideful, scared, and are unwilling to give up control. Those "gut feelings" are often uncomfortable because God may be asking you to do something that you don't want to do.  In my case, God had been asking me to "give up control" for almost 10 months, but I was not ready to do that just yet. One of the many awesome things about God is...he is patient.

In February of 2011 I had a severe nervous breakdown.  It was several weeks of back to back panic attacks. It was the most difficult time of my life.  It was THAT storm that brought me to my knees (literally) asking "God why is this happening to me?".  What I have learned about "storms" in our lives is that God leads us to them and through them. In this way, he can mold us to become stronger, healthier, and more Christ-like people… IF we allow him. Up until that point in my life, I led myself.  I believed in Jesus but I did not let him lead my life. I led my own life and consulted him every now and then.  There is a HUGE difference. There are wonderful Christian’s that will absolutely make it to Heaven but are missing out on "Heaven on Earth" because they are not letting Jesus lead them.  In the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6:10) it states "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven”. How cool is that??? You can have heaven on earth!!! God truly wants us to experience that.  We all know that this life is tough, but if you do it properly, God wants you to prosper and fulfill you in ways you have never even imagined! (Jer 29:11). But in order to achieve this...you must "give up control". Surrender your life to him and let HIM lead and you follow.

After my breakdown I returned back to work. I did a lot of soul searching and hours reading and learning about God's word on stress and anxiety.  In everything I read, I found that being anxious and stressed out is exactly opposite of what God wants for your life. I have done and felt exaclty like these ladies in the picture!!! So, I learned about setting boundaries and staying within them.  However, my biggest lesson of surrendering "control" still was not accomplished.  I heard very clearly from God after returning back to work that I needed to let go of my sales management role.  But I just pushed aside that feeling and tried to merge it with my own interpretation of what I thought I needed. I thought "God don't you just mean that I need help with my job duties? If I just get some help, I won’t be as stressed and my life will be so much better?”  So what did I do??? I asked for an administrative assistant.  All the while, I knew deep down that I was not obeying God.  Why did I do that? Because I thought I knew better than God? No, It was because I was scared, and too prideful.  I did not know what would happen if I gave up my position as sales manager. It was the fear of the unknown. I let fear overtake me; fear is paralyzing and will often lead you into a decision that is NOT from God.  Fear comes from the enemy filling your mind with lies; remember fear is not from God. God will leave you with peace and not fear. (John 14:27) 

So many months have passed but last week the feeling of stepping down from the manager role weighed heavier and heavier on my heart.  One night during a workout, I stopped in the middle to pray, this is what I prayed, "God I’m feeling that it’s time for me to give up my management position, will you please give me some clarity to make this decision? I’m feeling God that you will put someone in my life or take someone out of my life in order to help make this decision easier, amen". The very next day my administrative assistant of 9 months resigned. WOW GOD!!!! That was quick!!! That was the "take someone out of my life in order to help make this decision easier", from my prayer.  That day at lunch she looked me in the face and tearfully said she had to move on... I knew I did too!!!! I excused myself from the lunch and went to the car to cry, I turned on Joy FM and the lyrics I heard were "I wave my white flag, I surrender, I surrender ALL to you, ALL to you"!  God gave me a second chance to get it right and this time I’m going to be obedient and give up control fully and surrender it all to him!

To date I did one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I stepped down as sales manager from a job and company that I adore.  ***I am still employed there as a Sales Rep, just no longer managing *** 

My prayer for this blog post is that you find the strength to dig deep and to be obedient to what God is asking of you. After all, Daddy knows best. :)

Thanks be to God-coming off an antidepressant

It was a Tuesday when I completely finished taking the half dosage of Celexa my doctor was weaning me from, which meant I was DONE with my anxiety meds! I was so excited.  It felt like such an accomplishment to overcome anxiety and not need to lean on medication anymore. (**Disclaimer below)Three days had passed with little side effects or withdrawal symptoms.  I felt wonderful!!! Then day four…the withdrawal symptoms started.  I began to feel VERY dizzy.  By dizzy... I mean my eyes had LOTS of trouble refocusing when I changed my viewing angle.  It took a second or two to re-adjust. Any quick movements made it so much worse.  There were several days during this where I did not feel safe to drive long distances.  It took lots of focus and concentration to keep the dizziness from overwhelming me. With the severe dizziness I had nausea and tension headaches in the back of my head and neck.  I also had sweats…my neck and head would get VERY hot to the touch.  Along with all these symptoms, I had "rebound" anxiety.  I know what you’re thinking…"What the heck? That sounds awful”.  It’s not fun, BUT it will end and I will overcome it.  Also, what you need to know is that it’s completely normal!!!

Because I didn’t know what to expect, I honestly let those symptoms overtake me and the depression would sink in.  I would have thoughts running through my mind like “you're doomed to be on this medicine for life”, “everyone thinks you’re crazy and nobody believes you're dizzy”, “you're such a wimp”, “can’t you just go back on the medication, it would be SO much easier than this”, “you're husband doesn’t believe you”,  “you just want attention”, “it’s going to get worse before it gets better”, “you are going to have this for months”, “YOU WILL NEVER GET BETTER”.  AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You just want to scream!!!!!!! You want to crawl up in a hole and forget about the world!!! That would be easier right??? Wrong!!!! That’s what the enemy wants you to do!!! I did wise up…but I’m admitting that I struggled with it. It WAS a battle…a battle between GOOD and EVIL!!! But, the good news is…the battle is already WON!!!!! Jesus won it for us on the cross!

You see the enemy IS real!!! He comes to “steal and destroy” from us.  He tried to tempt Jesus in the wilderness when Jesus was at his very weakest (Luke 4:1-3 read it...it’s powerful) He strikes when we are WEAK, DOWN and already BROKEN!!! Let me clear something up…some of you may think “Christy you are full of crap, you were having physical withdrawal symptoms from the medication”. Yes I was and that was not from the devil, but the evil thoughts, THEY WERE FOR SURE. What did the enemy do to Eve in the garden? Put thoughts in her mind about why it was OK to eat the forbidden apple. You see the enemy attacks your mind!!! It’s the easiest way to reach you and it’s even easier when you are DOWN. You have heard the saying “kick em while they’re down”…that’s the point.  You must overcome that…be a fighter! Don’t allow the enemy to LIE to you like that and DON'T let him "kick you while you're down"! Don't let yourself get beat up by the enemy feeding posion into your mind like I did. In fact, I learned something so powerful today, our pastor from Element Church, Erik Lawson, said something brilliant..."when you beat yourself up, your basically saying that the beating Jesus took at the cross was not enough".  That hit home for me! 

So how do you overcome this? Well, I’m not done with these symptoms and challenges yet!  But, I’m standing on God’s promises, “I’m more than a conquerer” and “he will restore my health and heal my wounds”! Amen!!!




**Disclaimer- I am ALL for medication when used properly…my anxiety over a year ago was TOO FAR gone and I’m 100% certain the medication was instrumental in my recovery!  If you are suffering with anxiety, please know it’s serious and you must get a handle on it.  

Kids got it...why don't we??

I know you have heard of Child like faith.  What does that really mean...to have child like faith??? I thought about that a lot....and this photo made me come up with some answers.  To be full of joy, love life, have fun and don't take yourself too seriously. Children don't worry about what they wear, who they hang around, what they are going to do next in their day. They just enjoy life!!!

We are instructed by the Lord to do the same.

But we can't have child like faith most of the time because we don't stop to do what God tells us.  He simply says "Be Anxious about nothing".  Boy, do I mess that one up a lot.  It's hard to be anxious about nothing!!! However, if you bring it to him in prayer and be thankful for what you have...you should be able to bypass the whole "anxious" thing.

I recently had a friend pull me aside and tell me that she prayed in a time of need (which she has NEVER done) and she was totally floored by how God answered her prayers. She openly admitted that when she read prior blogs of mine that she thought I was being dramatic on how God answered my prayers...but she now knows personally how powerful prayers are!!!   Why don't we pray more??? I know for me it was because I simply just didn't think to do it. I always thought that I was strong enough to get through whatever might be troubling me. That's not the case...God is the ONLY one strong enough, big enough and powerful enough to get you through. There is NOTHING too big or too small that you shouldn't bring to God by prayer and petition. That is what he longs for...a relationship with you.