Faith Is Foolish

I recently photographed the birth of a baby that did not live very long after she was born.  God placed it on my heart to be there for this sweet family and to capture this precious time for them.  When God called me to do it, I  thought “YES, God…I can’t wait for you to heal this sweet baby and to give you all the glory for the miracle”, I was praying for this since her medical reports did not look good.  I got a group of strong prayer warriors together and we began to pray for God’s healing power and a miracle.  We stood in faith and believed with our whole hearts that this baby would be healed!

Before I continue, I just want to take the time to define faith with God’s word.  We throw that word out in phrases all the time “You got to have faith, Keep your faith, Faith can move mountains, Don’t lose faith.”  Do we really understand what faith is? God says faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen (Hebrews 11).  So myself and these prayer warriors had confidence that what we were hoping and praying for (the healing of this baby) would actually happen! That’s faith!  But if you reason that out, look at the doctor reports, listen to what everyone else is telling you, believing for that miracle looks incredibly foolish! Many times, having faith doesn’t make sense.  It’s a deep trust in God that He is bigger, stronger and wiser than any situation you are facing.  Faith gives us the assurance about things we cannot see (Hebrews 11).   That’s just it; we cannot see faith so that’s what makes it so hard!  In order for us to believe something we have to see it in action!  I mean come on…we live in the “Show Me State”.  But God says again, “By Faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God’s command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen (Hebrews 11:3).”  So we have to believe first in the things that CANNOT be seen and THEN we will be able to see what we believed for by faith.  So nobody looks at an empty coffee pot and believes for a full pot before it’s ever made, right?  But, Faith asks us to believe for the full pot of coffee before it’s ever even made, which doesn’t make sense! I know that’s a silly example, but it’s a practical way to explain faith.  Lastly, it is impossible to please God without faith!  The entire chapter of Hebrews 11 explains the big shots of the bible, like Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Moses…they ALL had BIG BIG faith.  Because of their faith, they are remembered throughout history for it and made examples of, in order to sharpen our faith. 

Now to touch on the foolishness that you feel when the things you had faith for don’t come to pass. First, that’s the devil trying to tell you “God didn’t come through for you, you look stupid for believing for that miracle” Believe me…this has happened to me several times!  I had BIG BIG faith for certain situations and they just didn’t pan out like what I had faith for! But, the outcome of a situation does not negate the fact that God still asks us to have faith in everything we do! God calls us to have BIG BIG faith, and NOT to doubt!  We are to trust God’s goodness always.  When you fly in an air plane you can see wayyyyy more than what you can see on the ground, think of all the distance you can see from that viewpoint.  Think of how much God can see from his perspective on the throne.  He sees things we just can’t see!  He always knows best!  

I would like to dedicate this blog post to this sweet baby that is in Jesus’s arms today.  The parents had the choice to abort her at 20 weeks, but they gave her a chance at life.  She has taught me more about faith in her short time on earth then anything in my walk so far!  I pray, that her life inspires you to have BIG BIG faith, always!

Fear of an anxiety relapse

It’s been a while since I have updated my blog and I felt it was fitting that I do it, just after an amazing vacation God blessed us with!  You see, my first EVER panic attack happened in Feb of 2011, while I was on a sunny beach vacation. (Here is the link to my story, I shared it live at Element Church last summer http://youtu.be/IhA2uDX6yK0)  I also relapsed again in September of 2012 when we went on another beach vacation (this time it was to photograph a wedding). So… of course when we planned the vacation for this year (leaving at the end of February, 2014) I had a TON of racing thoughts.  You know these thoughts…like…”why would you book this trip, you’re just going to have a ton of panic attacks”, “you will NEVER enjoy this trip”, “you are not going to be able to control your anxiety while you’re out of the country”….so on and so on! I think it’s so important to STOP right there and address these countless racing negative thoughts!  We ALL have them!  Whether you notice them or not, we all have something the passes through our minds at one point in the day, BUT are you aware of them? Maybe it’s the thought when your alarm clock goes off in the morning of “ahhhhh I’m so tired, how I will have the energy to get through the day.” Or “I don’t like that lunch they are serving, what am I going to eat now.” Or sitting in traffic on your way home from work while you’re thinking “I really don’t want to go home to the big pile of dishes, laundry, homework and kids fighting tonight.”  Do you give merit to these thoughts? Do you allow them to set in and “hamster wheel” them (as I like to call them, the running them over and over in your head).  You know when you DO give them merit or let them in…that these thoughts take up precious precious space in your brain.  You do have a choice and that’s to NOT allow negative thoughts to take up space.  Get into the practice of recognizing a negative thought and redirecting it to a positive thought.  This practice is biblical and highly important to master in order to protect your thought life and to guard your heart from fear!

FEAR!!! Fear is a dangerous emotion!  It can ruin a perfect day, it can make you feel things that truly are not present.  Fear gives physical symptoms in your body, just by allowing it to set in.  Fear always leads into panic and anxiety!  Fear is evil!  The enemy WANTS you to be fearful, always!  Think about the opposite of fear for a moment??? There are many antonyms for fear but a big one is LOVE!  God is LOVE, and HE wants you to feel love at all times.  He wants you to walk in life by love, with love and for love! You are to LOVE at all times, so if this is God’s truth, then there is NO room for fear??  So why do we do it?? Why do we fear??? I would wager (and at least for me this is true) it comes down to not understanding the vast deepness of God’s love for me.  I think if we truly understood how MUCH God loved us that we would never, ever feel fear.  If we truly held on to “I will never leave you or forsake you” and got that deep into our hearts, then when the fears of this life that the enemy tries to throw at us coming crashing in, we could rise up and take a stand and say “No thank you, I have the Lord on my side and He will fight my battles (fears).  But we fail at this, I fail at this, over and over again.  I let the crashing waves hit me and I get knocked down, I let this life consume me and I reap the consequences for it.  For me it’s sleepless nights, racing thoughts, tingling and numbness in my chest, arms and legs, shortness of breath, troubles focusing, stomach aches and pains, headaches and visual disturbance!  These are ALL physical symptoms of FEAR!!! Fear is NOT just an emotion, it manifests itself in so many other ways…that’s why it’s so dangerous! BUT…the good news is, you can surrender it, you DON’T have to carry that load on your own. It’s gets to a point for me where I just get plum sick of it (fear) and I normally get so sick and tired of fighting it that the only thing left I have to do is, just let it go.  Why don’t we do that first?? How come the moment fear sweeps in our initial instinct is to fight it, think about it, and control it? Would if the MOMENT we had the chance to fear, we hit it tail on with God’s word and shut it down? It’s like a snowball catching snow down a hill…if you don’t let it roll down the hill it won’t get bigger!  So don’t let fear roll down the hill! Stop it right away.

I have to be honest; I was very anxious/full of fear before we left on this vacation.  EVERYTHING leading up to it was a total mess!!! I fretted about it all, leaving my kids, the “what if” I have a panic attack, the airplane ride, my children getting sick while we are gone, pretty much anything you could worry about, I did. To make matters worse we even lost my passport and had to rush one to our home and it literally came to our mail box the day before we left! Talk about anxiety!!! It can paralyze you AND keep you from the joys God is trying to bless you with (At this point I contemplated not going at all)! So, I prayed before we left, “Lord, please let this trip blow our expectations out of the water, let it be the most amazing trip ever.”  You see, I got sick of fear, so I prayed the opposite! We arrived at the resort and I thought to ask for “FREE upgrades”, we booked with Expedia and in fine print on our booking it said to “ask for free upgrades”, BUT so did all the other resorts on expedia.com so it really seemed like a shot in the dark.  So I asked. The front desk woman looked at us like, why would I give you free upgrades, and she said “no miss I’m sorry, we don’t have any free promotions for you at this time”.  I pressed it a little further and said “not even a free cabana (a cabana is a covered beach bed)” she said sorry miss those are free here.  Then out of no where a manager in a white outfit started speaking to her in Spanish and the nice front desk lady came back to us and said “Well, I could upgrade you to our sister resort which is a 5 diamond resort, it’s VERY nice at no charge (totally FREE)”.  My husband and best friends and I, all looked at each other like “HUH…why would you do that?”  She then proceeded to explain to us how much more expensive a night it was than the already nice resort we were staying at.  We all looked at each other, half of us reluctant, half of us ready to “go for it” and THEN... she put the cherry on top….”And we will pay for your cab fair to the new resort”.   SOLD!!! We jumped in and never looked back!!! It sincerely was the most amazing resort we have EVER had the pleasure of experiencing (all at NO extra charge for us)!  Every detail was incredible, it was a little piece of heaven on earth!  You know when it has to be God blessing you, because it just doesn’t make sense, we didn’t deserve that, we didn’t earn it, but God gave it to us anyway!!

I could have let my fear ruin this trip, but by God’s grace, wisdom and love, I was able to enjoy and receive the full blessings He had planned. 

Our amazing vacation to Mexico!

Birthing Pains

A few nights ago I had a dream. In the dream I needed to take the elevator up to the fourth floor.  There was a sign on the outside of the elevator that said “It’s a long way up, it’s a slow ride but worth the wait”.  I awoke from the dream knowing there was a lesson there that I needed to pay attention to. 

Over the past few days I have had some personal things take place that have produced some fears, worry and anxiety.  All of which have caused my body to physically feel stress which in turn have caused me to have contractions.  Contractions are the tightening and releasing of muscles.  Think about how much that can relate to stress.  As we stress we hold onto burdens that we are not meant to hold onto.  However, we can release it and our muscles relax and we are free from those burdens. 

I pray that all of you are at a point in your lives where you want to grow into better human beings.  With every growth spurt we hit, we will feel the contractions, the tightening and releasing of muscles which cause some pain but produce growth. You know the old saying “no pain, no gain”.  Well it’s true, if life was always whip cream and cherries then what would we have to keep us in remembrance of God? I always have to remind myself that I am not in control, that my heavenly father is.  His will for me is much better than what I could think up for myself. Breathe through the contractions of life, cast your cares on Him and don’t give into the pain. 

Giving birth is a slow process. You have 9 months to grow; then there is a labor process. But, just like my dream said “It’s a slow ride but worth the wait”. We need to remember… whatever contractions of life you are fighting; surrender it to the Lord.  Then let Him fight your battle, so you can hold your peace and remain in rest. (Exodus 14:4)

The Cost of Obedience

I don’t feel like working out today, I will do it later.  I will call my mom tomorrow.  I know my aunt is sick but I will stop by the hospital to visit her another day.  I will start my diet next month.  I will stop putting things on credit one of these days.  I will tell him “I’m sorry” eventually.  Don’t drive down that street take another route.  Do you know how many thoughts you have in a day? Have you ever had thoughts or similar thoughts like this cross your mind and you subconsciously answer them back or simply listen to them? What do you think that is?  You’re conscious, gut feelings, or the Holy Spirit?  I know now that it’s the Holy Spirit guiding me and in the last year I have felt STRONG feelings prompting me to do certain things. These feelings are real and once I learned to respond and be obedient to them, the blessings were extraordinary!  I would like to share some scenarios where the Holy Spirit asked me to do something and what happened after I was obedient. 

The first one was the decision to quit my full time sales management career to pursue motherhood and photography.  I vividly remember the night God spoke to my heart and said “give up control”.  I further explored that, and He was saying “surrender your life to me, let me lead and you can follow” Although I was not immediately obedient in leaving that career, I finally did and God has blessed me and my family more than I can possibly describe to you.  The first month of being a stay at home mommy, I realized just how much I was missing out on before.  I now get to be a part of their days, laughter, tears, poopy pants, fights, hugs and kisses!  I see my children differently now and I’m so grateful to God for the new found time I get to spend with them. Then photography, WOW!!!!! God has rocked our world with it.  My first month of solely doing photography (only part time, remember I’m primarily a mommy nowJ) we opened a studio space and have stayed booked solid!  I have more time to be with God, help raise my family and be the successful business woman I believe God has designed me to be. If that is not cool enough, I get to do this all with one of my best friends because we are business partners! I truly believe God is blessing our path and showing us favor because we were BOTH obedient in HIM.  He said “it’s time to move on” and we did. 

The second situation was about three months ago.  I learned that a young 23 year old man, (that use to date one of my family members) was struck by a car while running a marathon.  He suffered severe brain injuries and is now living in a care center unable to care or speak for himself.  God put it on my heart to go and pray for him one on one.  I have to be honest; I didn’t want to do it.  Not because I didn’t care about this man, but because it was uncomfortable for me.  I had NEVER done that before and I was worried about what people would think of me if they found out I did that.  Also, it takes time and frankly I had other things I wanted to fill my time up with.  Well, one day after my own personal doctor’s appointments I decided I was finally going to be obedient to God and GO pray for this young man.   I was scared out of my mind! I kept thinking…how am I going to do this?  What am I going to pray for?  What if I chicken out?  What if the nurses and people there think I’m weird?  Oh boy, so many thoughts went through my head, but I got it together, said a little prayer and made my way into the care center.  I was instantly greeted by a nurse who led me straight to this young man’s room.  Another nurse, who happened to be his actual nurse, was in the room already treating and caring for him.   I introduced myself to her and said why I was there and she positioned him so he could see me.  I spoke loudly to this young man and reintroduced myself, he groaned very loudly and his nurse told me “oh that means he knows who you are!.  I thought to myself, “how wonderful, he is responsive and knows who I am!!!”  The nurse left us some privacy.  I leaned over his bed and began to pray for him.  I told him how proud I was of him and how strong he was.  I told him that I believed in him and that I know God is healing him.  I encouraged him with some scripture I could think of in the moment, but just then, I felt God ask me to “sing to him”.  Without hesitation I sang “Amazing Grace My Chains are Gone”.  I held his hand as I gently sang this song to him and tears dripped from both of his eyes.  In that moment, I realized GOD IS WITH US!!!! This sweet young man was REALLY hearing this song and feeling God as I was in the moment.  I wiped his tears and mine and praised God for the incredible moment that just took place. I ended my time with him and left the room.  I was on a high from God’s grace and love!  I know that God is blessing and healing this young man and I look forward to the time God directs me back to his room again to pray.

The last situation happened just recently.  There is a woman in my husband’s home town community that has a rare type of cancer.  Her treatment options are God and God alone.  She had really been on my heart lately and last time I was back in my husband’s home town, I felt led to go pray with her in person.  I had never met her face-to-face but I just knew God was calling me to go and pray with her. Again, we had a busy weekend planned and so many things popped up in my mind as to why I should not go and do this…But thankfully, this time I listened to God’s leading and called her up and asked If I could stop by and pray with her.  She joyfully accepted. I got there and instantly, I felt connected to her like a sister.  She told me that very morning, she had prayed specifically for someone to come and pray with her; Shortly after her prayer, her phone rang and it was me asking if I could pray for her.  God is so cool! I instantly was taught a lesson in that moment that when God asks you do to do something, you better do it, because you just never know who could be counting on you.  One thing that really stood out in my mind from this awesome time with her, was that God has given her the gift of fearlessness. She 100 percent has NO fear and totally trusts God.  Here is the cool thing about God; he always uses these situations to bless both sides.  And here she thought I was there to help her… but then I realized how much she helped me too!  As you all know, I struggle with anxiety, which is totally a form of fear. This one situation alone showed me how we can always trust God NO MATTER WHAT we are facing.  We have no reason to fear, because he is in total control.  Just like with the young man, I walked out with my time with her completely and totally awed by God!

The point to all of this is obedience does cost. 

It costs us time and often being uncomfortable, but if you can get through that, the blessings on the other side are far better than the inconvenience or discomfort you may feel.  The whole “it’s better to give than to receive” is so true.  Please know, I’m not telling these stories to toot my own horn, because believe me, I’m a work-in-progress myself.  I’m not always obedient and I often miss the mark.  I’m telling this because I believe God wants me to share how awesome obedience to him can truly be.   So, I’m going to leave you with these last thoughts.  What gut feeling have you had lately that you are putting off?  Who may be counting on you to come through for them?

Powerful thoughts are faithful thoughts

With my recent set back with anxiety over the Bahamas vacation, I have really tried to tap into fear and what it really means.  I don’t mean I dwelled on fear itself, but studied how the enemy uses it to destroy us.  Fear comes in so many forms like; anxiety, guilt, and insecurities, just to name a few.  We all experience fear in some way.  I believe it’s the enemy’s greatest attempt to bring us down.  In 2 Timothy 1:7 God says “he did not give us the spirit of fear” so what does that really mean?  If God did not give us that…then it must come from his adversary…right?  Instead it says “he gives us the spirit of power, love and sound mind”.  I don’t know about you but I feel farthest from a sound mind when I’m fearful and anxious.  It wasn’t till recently, God had me learn more about the enemy’s tactics.  The bible does say that the enemy prowls around like a lion waiting to destroy us.  YUCK!!! BUT, the good news is now that we know we can equip ourselves to fight and be more than conquers through Christ, we can settle fear once and for all. I do believe God allowed my last set back but he was with me every step of the way, I came out of that trial stronger and wiser then I was before.  I learned that the enemy is real, that he uses our mind against us and like Joyce Meyer says in her best seller book it truly is a “battlefield of the mind”. 

Your mind is where it all takes place.  It's where the throw down happens, the true boxing match begins.  Seriously, that is what comes to mind when I think about the enemy trying to take me down. I see him throwing a punch and me dogging and weaving out of the way.  Here is a punch he has been throwing at me lately “Too much good is happening to you, your luck will run out and you will get a bad disease”.  So, I dodge and weave around that punch by halfheartedly wondering if that is really true?  Is my luck out, is God done blessing me and my family?  OF COURSE NOT!!!!  He is so far from being done in his blessings.  His word says our greatest days are still ahead of us.  We are the head and not the tail.  His blessing are for a lifetime and NOT a season!!! So all I really need to do is throw one mighty punch back his way with the WORD of God.  Do you know that is our sword, the word of God?  I didn’t till recently.  God’s word, the bible is our punch of defense when the enemy attacks us.   So, I finally wised up and with all my strength and might I got down on my knees and said “I WILL NOT be fearful anymore, the lord is my strong tower who protects me always, I have nothing to FEAR because my God is always with me, what the enemy meant for my harm, God will turn to good”.  Then I gave it over to the Lord and prayed for continual strength in this area.   Now, please note, the enemy is a PEST!!! He comes back and lingers, he is ANNOYING!!! Go with me here on this illustration.  Imagine flies on a cow’s nose, eyes and body.

Have you ever noticed how annoying that looks for a cow, they are all up in the cow’s business. I have often watched that (my husband’s family lives on a farm, just in case you’re wondering why I watch thatJ) and thought man that is sucky for the cow, but then it dawned on me that that is exactly how the enemy is.  He is all up in our business trying to annoy and break us down.  If he can get us fearful instead of faithful then we won’t have a reason to trust God.  But, if we trust God and tell the enemy to flee like an annoying fly on a cows nose then we have just won the battle.  The word says the enemy must flee at the mention of Jesus name!! So exercise that right to swing that punch and give the enemy a final knock out once and for all. 

My prayer for this post is that I can help people not live in fear, including myself and that we can learn to trust God in ALL aspects of our life. That we are not defined by our circumstances, that we are only defined by how big and powerful our God is that we serve.  

***My amazing proof reader (husband) is in a deer stand, so please have grace with my grammatical errors :)

Total Knock Out

Recently, God blessed Troy and I with the opportunity to relax in the Bahamas but what's even better about this trip is the majority of the expenses were covered because I was also shooting a wedding! Anyway, as I took my seat on the plane the classic signs of anxiety for me kicked into high gear. Tingling, upset stomach and shortness of breath. I started to freak! The thought of having to use that crazy small bathroom on the plane with an upset stomach gave me more anxiety! Then of course the darn seat belt light is on...so I'M stuck. Being on a plane with anxiety is awful. I have an idea...they should make enclosed patios on the side of an air plane so people with anxiety can GET OUT and breathe. (I know that's not possible but it would be nice :)

I find it so interesting that whenever you're trying to relax, escape and enjoy, the Enemy tries to steal it from you. He comes "to kill, STEAL and destroy". So I prepared for battle and started claiming victory over this attack. I had Troy pray for me and reached out to a prayer partner during a layover. Then I did some breathing exercises and thanked God that I had been redeemed from anxiety and told myself this battle is already won. Finally, I turned on my praise and worship music, and began praying and speaking God's word over my attack. My bible verse for the day said "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)  Well, I didn't barf on my plane seat neighbor and I didn't need to breathe in a brown paper bag, thank God. However, this was not over. Little did I know the battle had just begun. Round one goes to God.

Round two began when we reached the resort.  It picked up again and spiraled out of control. We got in on a Wednesday afternoon and I was not able to leave my room and enjoy myself until Thursday afternoon. When I say "enjoy myself" it means one hour or so where the anxiety lessened and then it would rear its ugly head again. I have to admit, I let the enemy in and it whispered fearful thoughts to me this time around.  I was in a foreign place and scared, so it just amounted to so much more then it really was.  The enemy is great at complicating situations and spilling fear into them. He bends the truth just enough to create more and more fear. Also, I think it's important to note that over the past few weeks I had been feeling signs of anxiety. As I took some time to reflect on why it was happening to me again, I realized that I had gotten off track.  The word says we are to put God first and make him our first priority. Somewhere in the hectic time of transitioning into my new "stay-at-home life" to be better mommy and leaving my old life of sales manager, I missed the mark.  I started planning for my new life and filling it with STUFF again. Stuff that would keep me away from God and my family. How could I be so dumb? God gave me this opportunity and I was planning to waste it on works of the flesh again, instead of being lead by him. I quickly repented from that and asked God to forgive me.  I also repented because for that last 24 hours, I was listening to the Devil's lies and it was creating unbelief and doubt, which was hendering my recovery from this attack.

With a clear mind now, I was able to rest in the promises of our lord.  God wants a relationship with us.  He wants time with us and he wants us to communicate with him.  You have to understand how much God loves you! He wants to fight your battles, he wants you to divide and conquer over the enemy! He is with you, and he adores you, he wants to prosper you and restore whatever is bringing you down. No matter how big or small, bring it all to him and lay it at the cross.

So the constant prayer and praise began. What does praying, speaking God's word and praise do for you in a trial? Well, prayer brings it to his attention. Even though he is an "ALL knowing" God, it's about communication. Imagine your upset with a friend, husband, or family member, if you don't communicate with that person then you can't get the issue resolved. It's the same with God, he wants your requests/prayers to be made known. Prayer also helps you change your mind. You see, if I kept thinking my initial thoughts of "oh crap, here comes a panic attack. I'm going to be hopstialized in a foreign place. It's never going to go away. I will be stuck here. It's going to get worse. I will never be free from this!" Then I very well could've been defeated. BUT, I know God doesn't want that for me...so my prayers changed my thoughts, because God's truths are opposite of those thoughts. God's thoughts are "I'm more than a conqueror, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, be anxious for nothing, God will fight my battles". Then slowly my tingling, shortness of breath began to slow up. Praise God! During the attack, my praise and worship music was pumping in my ears on and off. I knew I would get through it with my Lord and I wanted to fill my soul with praise to release my faith into the heavens! Worship and praise is a great way to show thanksgiving. It's important to "praise God in all circumstances".

 I took it step-by-step on Thursday afternoon.  I asked for one thing at a time.  First, to be able to eat and keep down lunch. Second, to enjoy some time at the pool. Third, to be able to work out. Fourth, to go to dinner with Troy and lastly, some sound sleep and rest.  All of those things happened but not without a fight and constant prayer to God. Nevertheless, they still happened.  Round two goes to God!

Round three began with friday, the wedding day!  I knew God brought us here for a reason.  His plan and will is perfect.  His timing is always perfect. Even though I was struggling through my time in the Bahamas, I knew there was a great purpose behind it. The morning began rough, but through God's amazing grace, I was able to focus and photograph the wedding!

You can tell God was with me on this shoot! 

We left early the next day by choice and the anxiety set in again. We had two layovers to get through. I managed to get sick and be very anxious in the first flight. During the first layover, I reached out to some friends and found out something remarkable! The anxiety event that was at my home church (during my time in the Bahamas) and was featuring my testimony video was a HUGE success. They had to bring in more chairs for the overflow and many, many women's lives were changed and saved! It's no wonder the Enemy was trying so hard to bring me down. I was told he was fighting the good fight with other key women that were involved in that event as well. I wanted to dance in the airport! I became so overwhelmed with God's glory and power. Then I remembered again the daily verse that came up on my phone ."I have fought the fight, finished the race, I have kept the faith". I knew this battle was almost over.
Video From Church On Anxiety (Watch the video by clicking on the link)

We got home and I struggled with morning anxiety again.  It lingered for hours and hours.  I was weak and tired from battling it.  I knew deep down there was a "bigger" reason why I was going through this again. We went to church and the worship band played a song called "Always". I had never heard it before, it brought me to tears of praise.  Later, I checked my phone and my best friend had texted me at the same moment that I was worshipping to that song this "Just heard the most amazing song for you, Kristain Stanfill, "Always"." WOW!!! God is ALWAYS with us.  I wish I could say that I was done fighting anxiety at this point, but I wasn't.  Monday rolled around and I woke with anixiety and it stayed around.  I was at a very weak moment and I reached out to a prayer partner who prayed heavily for me.  She felt strongly that it was time to surrender this fight to Jesus.  In Psalms 18:17 it says "He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes who were too strong for me." This battle was bigger than me and it was time for me to rest in Jesus.  We prayed together a VERY strong prayer of surrender and I had peace. The peace that almost melts you away to sleep.  But, the Enemy came and robbed it.  He threw darts at me and I was having a hard time shielding them off.  Called her again and we agreed to disagree with every fiery dart he was throwing. The days became better and I was finally able to get back to my life. But during this, I realized the battle between good and evil is REAL.  We MUST protect our minds. You can do this by wearing the sheild of faith and knowing the good news! God always wins, round three goes to God... total knock out!

I’m Taking a Leap of Faith

I just recently told my employer of eight years that I’m going to resign to be a caretaker and supporter to my incredible husband and beautiful boys.  It was July 11^th , 9:30 am to be exact, as I was driving in to the office to let my bosses know my decision.  During the drive in, many thoughts and feelings were rushing through my head and body.  I was anxious, nervous, sick to my stomach, and scared.  

I had a flashback to about a year ago when I heard from the Lord.  I was having a panic attack that day about the demands of life in general; being a working mom, trying to care for my children and trying to balance it all.  I wept on my bed and prayed to God “What do I do?  Why is this happening to me?  How do I do this all?  Then I heard Him say, “Give up control”.   When I heard Him say that to me, I did not know what it meant then, but it has stuck with me ever since.  Over the past few months, I have felt more and more that God is pulling me out of my career as a medical sales rep and manager into something new.  The something new is very unclear, although I know that it’s primarily to be a caretaker and supporter for my family.   I do believe, however, that He has something MORE planned for me.

I began my career as a selfish woman who was apathetic toward God.  I did everything in my own strength and nothing in His.  My job was more important than my family and God.  I became stressed out, anxious and it continued like that for many years.  God allowed me to break, and I suffered a severe nervous breakdown in February of 2011.  God used that trial in me to build character and mold me into a more Christ-like person of which I’m forever grateful for.  

I learned many things in that trial with one of the most important things being; the Bible is a road map for success.  Not only that, it’s our protection and weapons against evil.  You have heard it said, “Knowledge is power”.  In Hosea 4:6 it says, “My people perish for lack of knowledge”.  The biggest thing I “lacked knowledge” in was not putting God first in my life.  That is His greatest commandment; Jesus tells us that in Matthew 22:37, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”  This means your family is not first, your job is not first, your money is not first, YOUR life is not first…JESUS is first.  Once I finally “knew” that, (really understood it), I decided to make Jesus first in my life, became born again and had the awesome experience of being water baptized. From that day forward, my sins were wiped clean and my heart was new. 

So with a new heart and a new direction, I started feeling the tugs on my heart to move on from the old life, which meant giving up my career.  I knew it was what God was asking me to do and I had a deep peace about it.  However, on the surface, I was a mess.  I thought “How am I going to be a full time stay-at-home mom?  I’m going to go crazy!  How are we going to pay all our bills?  Why would God have me waste all my hard earned education on being a stay-at-home mom?” It went on and on and on!  The thoughts never let up.  Those thoughts were in FULL FORCE on the drive in to tell my bosses that I need to resign.  I wanted to chicken out, turn my van around and forget the whole thing.  Then I said a prayer. “God please help me!  I don’t want to do this!  Can you please give me another sign that this is what you are calling me to do?”  Just then, a song I have never heard before came on JOY FM , by Francesca Battistelli. The words to this song sent me into instant peace and joy.  They went like this:

“My heart beats standing on the edge
My feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat, there is no turning back

I’m letting go of life I planned for me and my dreams
I’m losing control of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So, I’m letting go.

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown, beyond my comfort zone”.

I heard the music differently than ever before.  It came over my speaker system amplified, almost as if God was magnifying it for me to hear it, receive it and know it was from Him.  It was all true!  I was letting go of the plan I have for me and my dreams.  So, with my heart beating out of my chest, I did it.  I jumped off the ledge, took the giant leap of faith, and told my bosses I needed to resign. 

So what did the Lord mean that day He told me, “Give up control”?  Today I know exactly what it means.   Jesus explains it in Matthew 16:24-27. We are to lay down our own lives, our own desires, and live according to His will.  We are to be led by the Holy Spirit, and wake up each and every day surrendered to Him.  I finally did that on July 11, 2012, and it officially marks the new journey of complete and total surrender.